you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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