He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
