I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
