PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
sarcasm needs its own font
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
