Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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