I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
