There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
