I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was like eating out sand paper
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
