nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
