I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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