im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
