Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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