Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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