Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
