Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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