you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
