Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
