Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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