this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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