im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
