I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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