just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
