mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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