I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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