Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am midnight drunk by noon
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
