my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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