You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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