Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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