yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
time to smoke my breakfast
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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