I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed