remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.