this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"