you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.