I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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