im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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