she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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