last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
