He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
