what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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