I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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