well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
