Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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