Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just gargled with NyQuil
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
