I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You have to summon your inner elephant
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
