On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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