4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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