i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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