My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm sobbing to NWA
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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