It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
