Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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