APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
