I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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