I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
