He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
