You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
